Behind the BLACK smoke

Market-ability

2006-02-02T00:58:28Z

Thoughts of if life is worth the time repetitiously ticks in my mind.

No career has happened with all my attempts in the smiling faces and planned questions.

Nervousness shakes under tabled legs;

rubbing hands, in lap;

thoughts being somewhere else while you are responding.

Wondering if you are aware that my mind has drifted off.

Recall past accomplishments when questioned;

ponder interrogating inquiries for the right approach;

keep my skills marketable.

You want me to work for your company because,

I have the techniques needed to reform,

increase production,

and of course, I am a people person.

I agree with the mission of your organization;

providing services to those in need and

finding new methods of innovative technology.

I have the superiority of an expert,

flexibility of rubber,

initiative of the sun,

Honestly, unparallel to any other.

You need me.

I anticipate hearing from you.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

I will leave you with these recommendations.

and they call us animals

2005-12-14T00:33:19Z

Since the age of high school and now at the age of 28...Saltines never cease to amaze me. I never go understand how whitefolk will walk barefoot any got damn where. I work at a very old TV station The floors are always dirty along with dirty chewgum coffee stainted carpet that I ever seen. But do you know this does not stop those crazybaldhead from walking around barefooted. They don't care it. But yet they call us animals.

Year in Review

2005-10-13T09:13:19Z

Okay I just did my 1st annual review at my job. It did not go so well. In a nutshell the bigwigs stated that they know I am capable of doing the job but I'm lazy and that I seem like I am not fully motivated.
To some degree I do believe it is true. I kinda burned out about this profess but mainly I'm tired of the people at my job that I deal with. I work at a very very competitive news station. I know I am passionate creative person when it comes to my craft. But the people I work with treat this job like a job. The environment is way too structure for my taste along with my job duties are mostly routine. The job duties would not be so bad if I at least worked with some cool people who have lives outside of work. My coworker rarley ever have outing after work. No partying No barhopping nothing. All the other media outlets in the market particpate in Basketball and Softball tournament against one another except for us. Most people just come to work and go back home to their sorry lifes. Employyes who have worked there for 10+ years seem to be the worst ones, its like you can see how with the job how their life as simply been sucked out of them.

Well back to the review. well okay I granted I have not put my best foot forward @the job. So after my review I honestly did not feel would give a raise in pay. But they gave me one anyway. My boss told me they will give me a 2% increase instead of the regular budgeted 3%. I was like WTF is 2% an extra nickel or two, WTH is 1% really. I wanted to tell my boss Fuck it! if that all you are gonna give me the hell you can keep it. If I did not have an ole lady to worry about I probably would have quited right there on the spot. Instead I humble myself and figured I need this job for now and beside they did not have to give me any type of raise the could have fired me and where would I be after that termination. What I decide to do is use all of this the 2% raise, the crapp job environment and all as my motivation to get out and into a maybe a brand new profession.

al_b_thatshit @ 2005-10-04T16:50:00

2005-10-04T20:55:02Z

Can't give up the fight
Can't give up the fight
Can't give up the fight

You think you NOT won

Shiittt!

the Nu Battle HAS just begun...

Can't give up the fight
Can't give up the fight
Can't give up the fight

al_b_thatshit @ 2005-09-29T12:21:00

2005-09-29T16:29:26Z

God works in mystery ways....

I said fuck it

She BEEN said fuck it

But the man upstairs says nah Y'all two aint done yet.

its been almost three months since I laid with my wife for first time in months she kissed me reluctantly I thought I would not feel anything....but I did so, I stay. Hopefully she will stay a lil longer too now. I had plans, she BEEN had plans, only GOD has the Master Plan. And thats the one that matters the most.

I LOVE my Wife no matter how much I want to hate her sometimes her I can't. When I see her in pain I'm like the lil kid in schoolyard who want to beat up everyone in sight, who cause her pain. Maybe thats why I come down on myself so hard when I do things that I know are not right. Sometimes I sit and realize that maybe the problem is that my wife and I are too much alike. So much where I think we never ever fully disclose every thing about one another out of fear of not being understood. But in actuality WE are probably the only ones you will. If the lord says it ain't over, cool. Then I am ready for the new challenge.

OPERATION DESTROY and REBUILD is in FULL EFFECT.

Summertime has came and is gone.

Its a NEW season now. Fall is the season of change.

al_b_thatshit @ 2005-08-30T12:41:00

2005-08-30T17:20:01Z

Cloudy morning. Humidity to the Max.
Bumper to Bumper traffic.
Arriving the spot sweaty as fuck
feeling like you gotta go take shower again.
Some just getting out of bed
with the same draws on from last night.
People rushing in various direction
similar to the NYSE.
Flip flops.
Tight, Faded,
ripped old jeans
that have not been ironed.
Since Hanna had a puppy
Bruhs smoking on the block
talking about MNF
or some chick from last weekend.
High hills shoes
that sound they make
hitting against the marble tiled floors.
Crapping Florescent lights.
Mildew and bad breathe
and ass mixed together.
Rumble of notebook paper.
Electric pencil sharpeners
Smell of old library and school books.
The aroma of white-out.
My favorite two words
that hold so much many different meaning
so eloquently scribed on the top of my desk
FUCK YOU
with old bubble sticking beneath the seat of chair.

It only week three but its great being back in school.

12/31/03

2005-08-11T11:05:47Z

I bore easily
being in it for almost 2
Chick she still got me
cuming so quickly
Stimulating me
off all levels
Intellectually to the physical
even yet emotionally
I can't stop
Damn this girl's a BEAST

She did dirt
I did dirt
Ain't got time
to be counting the pile
Jus recalling the day
When we walk down that aisle
Holding Hand in Hand
For better or For worse
Together Forever.

Now I sit and wonder
Together Forever
ummm.
Were we Promising it
Or were we
just Saying shit.

al_b_thatshit @ 2005-08-10T06:47:00

2005-08-10T11:16:27Z

I am such a weirdo...No matter how late I go to bed I always wake up madd early. I could be pissed ass drunk, be knocked the fuck out @ 3am. Then I am up and ready for the world @ 8am. In College they called me the functional drinker.

Well over the weekend I was drinking damn near every night. Which is why I somewhat luv my job I don't go to work til 4pm, I have not used an alarm clock in 5 years. But even with that being said I weird ass still finds a way of getting up naturally early in the morning. Monday night I did not get home til 1am( I hate working ABC's Monday Night Football) See I work at a News TV Station I we put on a Live newscast after Monday Night Football regardless of time. Either way I get home at 1am and my body wakes me up at 7am. But this was a good thing I did my morning smoke outside and notice my wife's car had a flat. So I figured let me go get her a new tire b4 she has to be at work. So mind you that it is 7am,rushhour traffic, along with I had to go to two different tire shops cuz neither of them had her size 15 tire. Well finally got the tire. And was back in the house by 8:30, ole' lady did not even know I was gone.

But how come after getting home I could not go back to sleep at all. I was up the entire day. I went to work I felt like I was high ass a muthafucka. I almost scared to go in their today wondering if i still have a job. I do the audio mix for the shows. I know I clipped one of the anchors mic last night.

al_b_thatshit @ 2005-08-08T14:25:00

2005-08-08T19:21:46Z

Where I am in my life.

Well five years into my career and I am already feeling burned out. Currently I have a dream job I working at the no. 1 tv station in the ToP 30 market but yet I feel like I here now, so what!

Married to a beautiful woman. Who I love so dear. Even though I act like a fool most of times. Sometimes at night I have vision of her killing me cuz of the thing I put her through. That might be why I have not be able to sleep well here lately...LOL Well just moved into our new house. Yard work is a Beast. I used to cut grass as kid but I don't recall grass growing so damn fast. Plus we got weed so you know I gotta keep it cut. I need to cut that yard now. But honestly I am loving it, Last night my wife and I took a walk around the neighborhood. I know she enjoyed the walk just a form of cool down from yoga. But I enjoyed it cause it made me stop and realize all that I have accomplished in life. I grew in the PJs of our nation's capital and taking nice walk around the hood late at night was not the thing to be doing. It funny but when my wife invite me to go walk with her I instinctive thought to take all my money out of my pockets b4 going outside.

Today I had great workout. Try to lost some of this married weight..My wife has been doing yoga I can really see a change. So that is my motivation. Can't be no fatboy wit a fine ass wife

Well the new school year is getting ready to start up so I as my second year of substitute teaching(I my way of giving back) I feel like I gotta be a kid too..I need to get me some new school clothes..lol.
I actually enjoy teaching considering a career change. The teachers and students love me. I have teachers
calling me personally to come sub for them, tell me that the kids enjoyed me. When I go sub I not your avg. sub who sit there read a paper and sleep. I take my job seriously. In between the teacher's lesson plan I try to teach the student about how to manage their money and credit. Things I wish someone told me.
Its funny but while working at the station, we ran a story about the city public school system were gonna start educating their teacher on how to teach student about personal finances. Now I not sure if its b/c someone heard there some crazy substitute teaching kids about their finances or if maybe it student started showing interest to the parents and teachers.

I am looking forward to next weekend, I recently registered to take golf lesson, I am amped about that networking on the links. you know!

al_b_thatshit @ 2005-08-02T09:19:00

2005-08-02T13:23:06Z

Fuck and love
Love and fuck

Two four letter word
central to our character
stated crudely

Fuck
one for the vulgar
the profane
and vilified
sexual
used continually as curse

Love
one for the scholar
the mundane
and dignified
spiritual
is sacred in this universe

Fuck and love
Love and fuck

both words will get blind attention
no need for reinvention
as they are both basic motivations
each in it’s own a much sought union

Fuck and love
Love and fuck

both activities
in wish and in life
we are in pursuit of
again crudely

Fuck
one a bodily function
copulating
exciting
delicious
finding a mate

Love
one a sublime emotion
transcending
purifying
glorious
finding a soulmate

Fuck and love
Love and fuck

Both preoccupations,
regardless of gender,
independent of the weather,
disregarding social structure,
present in any culture.
thing is, like it or not,
one without the other is rather dull
so why don’t we put them together
and ask ourselves
to put it again crudely
which would we have rather:
fucking love
or a
loving fuck?

Fuck and love
Love and fuck

Both So small
yet significant words...
And before you criticize
this little exercise
in diatribe futility
(if not to say facility)
just look at what led you to this page
even in this day and age
(dare I say Particularly?)
all of us the same, herein
lies the core of humanity
issued from the same specie
to put it even more crudely
we all love to fuck
but are fucked when we love!

Its WhaTeva

2005-08-01T13:54:31Z

Well my first journal entry, not even sure what to say so much where do i begin.

My shadow lives my life
With strong-mindedness;
Majestic in character and
Sophisticated in fashion
More spacious in capacity and
Efficient in activity
Than me and my own life
Growing out of my strength
It isolates me from my life
And seduces my properties
To maintain its own identity
As if old enough in humanity
To throw me away in waste container
My shadow, that I throw in the earth
Stretches my body in full
Shearing the clothes from my body
With only the skinny left over
No one can recognize me
As my own identity
I try to run away from my shadow
That chases me like a wild goose
I scan the horizon of my life
Far beyond my limitations
And search my identity
Inside me and my life
Not knowing any relation
If it exists, with my shadow
To name